May 25, 2012

The 5 Levels of Being Pissed

First of all:

Amen, kid.
 Everyone gets pissed right? Right.

I sure do. Matter of fact, I'm pissed right now (at level 3). Why? Because none of your business. >:O

I've found through my experiences with episodes of fomenting rage that there are 5 levels of being pissed. I present them to you now. Bear in mind, I've never reached level 5, but I know it exists. And I never hope to reach it, either.

Let us begin.

LEVEL 1


Level 1 of being pissed is the initial anger. You're pretty mad, but it's controllable. You don't have the unrelenting urge to strangle babies and punt small animals, but you do have a slight eye twitch and you really just want to complain. However, things are under control as you're not lashing out and you're not visibly mad.

Relativity:
Level 1 is akin to how a wild bear feels all the time.

Ease of dealing with it:
It's easy to deal with level 1. A few drinks and good compnay and you'll go back to feeling normal and rainbow-shittingly jolly in no time. No big.

The good news:
It'll all be over soon. 

But-

LEVEL 2



Level 2 is almost the point of no return. It's much harder for you to calm down and pretty much anything anyone says about your predicament when you vent to them makes you more angry, even if what they're saying holds merit. If someone doesn't agree with you, you get pissed at them too. And you're looking a bit mad on the outside. If you're not talking about what is making you so mad, you're not really talking. If you are, it's one word sentences or grunts.

Relativity:
Level 2 is like this girl:

You tell 'em, gurl.
Ease of dealing with it:
Not so easy to deal with level 2. It's not completely debilitating, but it definitely occupies your thoughts. I recommend a bottle of wine.

The good news:
You can still calm down, if you try.


However-

LEVEL 3


Level 3 is the point of no return. From here on out, you're pissed as fuck. Nothing helps but time, and a lot of it at that. No amount of venting will calm you down and your face is flushing with rage, the kind that you can feel building up as it's working it's way from your spine to your cheeks. You know what I'm talking about. You're liable to burst out with incredibly obscene remarks to anyone. "Fuck", "shit", "balls", "bitch", and other shades of colorful language are 85% of the sounds coming out of your mouth. And whoever it was that pissed you off is probably no longer in your phone contacts or Facebook friends or what have you.

Relativity:
I'd place Lewis Black at a solid level 3.

Ease of dealing with it:
Terribly hard to deal with level 3. If left unchecked, level 3 rage will keep boiling and building up, leading you to the disastrous next levels. All you think about is whatever the fuck made you mad in the first place, if you can even remember anymore. Really, now you're just so mad at everything that any memory of the first spark is fading. You probably should avoid public places. Don't drink. It'll only be bad.


The good news:
In these times of extreme anger, you get creative. Now's the time to play an instrument or write or sing or do something to distract yourself. This is how most metal music was born[citation needed].

Then-

LEVEL 4 



Oh boy... level 4. Shiiiiiiiit. Level 4 no es bueno, amigo. If you had to avoid public in level 3, you have to avoid public and yourself in level 4. Your voice has tripled in volume. At this point, as you can see in the picture, you do indeed want to strangle babies and punt small animals. Cute things just piss you off. People piss you off. Electronics piss you off. Get it? EVERYTHING pisses you off more and more and more and more and more until you blow up on the first person you see. You're like:

I wish.
 You don't wanna be talked to, you don't wanna be touched, and you certainly don't wanna see anyone who looks happy with their life. "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU JUST BREATHE NEAR ME", "FUCKING ASS PEOPLE", and "WHAT THE SHIT BALLS ARE YOU DOING SMILING AT ME?! AIN'T NOTHING TO SMILE ABOUT, BITCH" are things that will probably come out of your mouth.

Relativity:
Quitting smoking is an automatic level 4. If you don't know what that's like, imagine how mad you'd be if someone randomly slapped you across the face and multiply that by 1,000,000. Then, take that number to the 5th power. After that add 1. Stir and enjoy piping hot.

Ease of dealing with it:
Not easy. At all. I recommend you break glass or ceramic objects in a controlled environment. And definitely don't interact with anything that has a pulse or consume any drugs.

The good news:
Umm... you're not at level 5?


Uh-oh...

LEVEL 5


Fuck. You're at level 5? Sorry about that. If you're at level 5, you're chances of being incarcerated septuple*[citation needed]. Also, now you are capable of breathing fire and leaving a smoldering trail of devastation that is devoid of all joy and creation in your wake. If it's really bad, you also have laser vision. While these superpowers sound fantastic in theory, you must remember that you, too, are vulnerable to them, and that your control over them, like your emotions, is non-existent. Unlike the previous levels, where there was some semblance of hope to return to normal, at level 5, you're fucked. If breaking shit helped calm you down at level 4, it only serves to fan the flames of your insanity at level 5. This is your best chance ever of being on the news, but probably not the way you wanted to be.

Relativity:
Most mass murderers are at a constant level 5 (except Dexter), as well as crack-addicted hobos. 


Ease of dealing with it:
Can't you guess? You don't deal with level 5. Level 5 deals with you, Sovyet Rashah style. Just let it wane naturally. Lock yourself away somewhere. Go out into the desert or forest or something and don't come back for days. That's all the advice I can give you.

The good news:
There is no good news.

Hopefully you all know what I'm talking about when I say that being pissed is an all-consuming fire that instantly incinerates anything you touch. Do feel free to share what level you think you've reached before, and any strategies you have for calming down.

Adios.

--- --- ---
*Spellcheck, dammit, today's NOT the day to cross me. Septuple IS a word. Look it up. Motherfuck. 
Also, thanks to this link (http://mensconfidence.com/2012/03/17/saturday-funnies32-pics/) for the lulsy pics used in this post. 

7 comments:

  1. Totes luls! It takes a lot to get me over a level 2. Dumb shit drivers however make me spike to 3.5 in an instant.

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    Replies
    1. Dumb shit drivers are the worst. Especially slow ass turners and non-turn signal users.

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  2. Haha this was just too funny (and accurate! ) i recently attended a dance moms meeting where two moms reached level 4, is it sad that while everyone had the look of fear on their face i just laughed. Level 4 and 5 can be quite entertaining to outsiders lmao. Ive only hit level 3 a few times however :p

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    Replies
    1. Those moms need to chill out! You're right though. The higher levels can be very, very entertaining. As long as you're not in the line of fire lol.

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  3. *your face is flushed with rage

    I know you were at Level 3 pissedness when you wrote this, but since you have at least one Grammar Nazi post on here, you might want to fix it before you get famous and have a bunch of trolls saying "You can't even use the right kind of "your"."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooh... thanks for pointing this out. I feel really stupid about letting that slip. I am a total Grammar Nazi, to annoying levels even, and I can barely forgive myself for that. So, thanks again for looking out for me!

      Delete
    2. I've definitely let stuff like that slip when I type really fast. I love being an unofficial blog editor with people when they don't get mad at me for it.

      Delete