March 31, 2012

The Best Excuse

Something I said by accident has suddenly become the best excuse in the world. You wouldn't think it when you hear it, but you'd be surprised at just how effective this king of excuses is. And it's delightfully applicable in almost any situation. Hell, the situation doesn't even need to apply to the excuse. Somehow, it still works.

So what is it?

"Excuse me, it's just so dark in here."

Take a minute. Digest. Let it sink in. Absorb the nutrients. Yeah... just like that. Mmhmm... so... juicy. What's that? A hint of... is that... aloofness? And those nicks of nonchalance! A delicacy!

Yes friends. Blaming things on the fact that you can't see shit is surprisingly potent.

Examples, because I love examples:

-When you fail to compliment your girlfriend/boyfriend's new haircut/clothes/other inane and trivial object that said neglect of noticing can net you negative points on the "I don't want to break up with you" scale:

"Did you notice my new (thing)?"
"Huh? No, babe, I'm sorry... It's just so dark in here. I can't see shit."

-When your boss catches you on Facebook/9GAG/Redtube:

"Jenkins, what are you looking at?"
"Huh? Oh, this? Whaaaaaat I didn't even notice what page I was on! It's just so dark in here."

-When you call someone by the wrong name:

"Oh? You're Cheryl? I'm sorry. It's so dark in here."

-When you don't feel like being the bait when someone is fishing for compliments:

"Sigh. My hair is so ugly. Everyone can notice how one square centimeter of it is not laying in the same direction as the rest of my hair. I'm hideous. Don't look at me. Aren't I SO HIDEOUS?"
"What? Oh, sorry. I didn't even know you were talking to me. It's so dark in here. Does this place even have lights?"

-When you just don't give a shit:

"Hey you wanna come over and do stuff?"
"No, sorry, not today. It's so dark. I can't see anything. It's debilitating."

I'll leave you to decide how to use this excuse most effectively. Keep in mind, not everyone will use it the same way. That's the beauty of it. It's incredibly versatile.

Plus, the look on people's faces... priceless. It's disarming. They don't even know what just hit them. I mean, what could you possibly say in return? How do you know what the other person can or cannot see?

"Maybe it really is dark in here," they think. "Maybe I can SEE in the dark!"

Happy whining.

March 28, 2012

The "Fuck Your _____" Game

I invented a new game.

You see, these past few weeks I've spent most of my time enveloped in a bitter aura of rage and hatred. The result of all this negative energy is what I have dubbed "The 'Fuck Your _____' Game". (As in "Fuck Your Blank") Here are the rules:

1. You must play with at least one other person.

2. The other people playing must have a knowledge of the people who are about to referenced in the "Fuck Your ____" construction.

3. The object of the game is to score ten points.

4. Points are gained by correctly guessing who is being referenced. Incorrect guesses lose you a point.

Now, those are the basic rules. The real meat and bones of the game, however, is the "_____" part. That "_____" is filled in by a personality trait or other characteristic of any person that you and the other people playing know. Obviously, this trait should be something glaringly (and annoyingly) apparent.

For example, let's say the subject is Owen Wilson. I would say something like "Fuck your broken-ass looking nose". If you guessed "Tom Cruise", you'd be wrong. You would then lose a point. If, however, you did indeed say "Owen Wilson", then you'd be totally right! And you would gain a point. Go you.

Now, you try. I'll wait.


Good. You're getting the hang of it.

To make the game a bit easier, you should probably give some context of the person you're victimizing. For instance, if you're playing with coworkers, say, "This person works with us". If you want to play strictly with celebrities, say "This person is a celebrity".

So, I'm going to leave you with an example. It's another celebrity, for simplicity's sake.

Fuck your Ra Ra Ras.

Happy playing.