May 02, 2012

The Checklist of Time Wasting

Those of you who know me know that I am late to just about everything in life. Except being born. I was almost a month premature. What a disappointment it must have been when my parents realized I'm neither early nor punctual to anything. 

I used to think that I couldn't explain why this happened. And I want to make a distinction: I'm constantly late, not consistently late. Being consistently late is what people call "fashionably late". That's not what I do.

Sometimes I would claim that Arabs are late like all other minorities. Or, I would say that outside forces physically prevented me from being on time. That it wasn't meant to be. And then one day, not too long ago, when you were about the same age you are right now, I realized something. Deep down, I like being late. Ladies, if I were your period, I would scare the shit out of you. Every month. Gentlemen, if I were your girlfriend's period... well, you get the point.

And don't try to pull logic out on me here. Again, I'm not consistent with my lateness. I'm whatever the fuck I feel like it at that moment amount of time late. Could be a minute, could be an hour. Could be tomorrow.

So I thought I might as well embrace it and turn it into something beautiful. Er... being late. Not your period. Or your girlfriend's period. 

And now it's an art. The art of wasting time. And like all art, it has guidelines. So, here I have compiled a checklist that will ensure that you are late... artfully.

These things all assume that you should be leaving the house now in order to be at [place/engagement/appointment] on time or early. Use with caution. 

[ ] Shower.
[ ] Brush your teeth. 
[ ] Floss, too. It never hurts to floss. 
[ ] Change your outfit.
[ ] Change back to what you were wearing before.  
[ ] Your hair probably looks bad now. Fix it. Or shave it all off. Change is good.
[ ] Check the time and shrug.
[ ] Check the internet.
[ ] Start making paper cranes. Or learn
[ ] It would probably be a good idea to write out a grocery list. Do that.
[ ] Check your email and/or snail mail.
[ ] Check the time and scoff. 
[ ] Have you taken a dump today? You should do that.
[ ] If you have a significant other, have sex. If you don't, masturbate. 
[ ] You should probably shower again now.
[ ] Brush your teeth, too. 
[ ] ... Maybe wear something different for real this time. 
[ ] Leave.
[ ] Now's a good time to stop at the gas station.
[ ] Check the time and go "OH SHIT. Oh well."

That's really all I've got. I need to go be late for something now. With finesse, of course.

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