May 04, 2012

The Brazil Saga 1 - "You're Argentinian"

From here on out, I'm calling "The Brazil Saga" stories "The BS". Just so you know.

So, I lived in Brazil for 6 months once upon a time, and never a more eventful six months did I have. I have, like, sooo many stories. This one I'm gonna tell you is one of my favorites.

The rinky-dink town I lived didn't have much to do. Like, at all. I don't understand how people live there. Here's a picture:
Pictured: The year 1537
Don't be deceived by the scenery, that place sucks. But I'll get into that another day.

On one of the last days I was there, I checked out this cake shop I'd never been to. The cake was good, but that's not the story.

I walk in, and I see this woman:
Not to scale.
Now, I don't look not Brazilian at first, but as soon as I open my mouth and start speaking Portuguese it's very obvious that I'm something that is not Brazilian.

Anyway, then I hear the following dialogue:

Pictured woman (PW): "What's this cake like?"
Lady behind the counter 1 (LBC1): (sighing) "It's a vanilla cake."
PW: "Like how much vanilla?"
LBC2: "The normal amount."
PW: "Hmm... well what about this cake?"
LBC1: (shoots an annoyed glance at LBC2) "It's a chocolate cake."
PW: "But how much chocolate?"

This went on for about seventeen more cakes until finally LBC2 looked at me and said, with a smile, "And what would you like sir?"

Me: "I just want a slice of that cake there"
LBC2: "The little blacky black cake?" (actual name of the cake)
Me: "Yes please :3"

Then I entered purgatory.

PW: (to me) "Where are you from young man?"
Me: "America, as in the United States of." (South Americans are American too.)
PW: "No you're not."
Me: "Er... yes. I am."
PW: "But you don't look American. Or sound American." (Keep in mind, (most) Brazilians think that (all) Americans are Aryan.)
Me: "Well, I'm of Arab descent, but I was definitely born and raised in the US."
PW: "No you weren't. You're Argentinian."
Me, LBC1, LBC2:
PW: "Mmhmm, yup, you're definitely Argentinian."
Me: (with a mouthful of little blacky black cake) "Nro, Ir'm nort Argerntiniarn."
PW: "Yes you are."

This goes on for a while. And then, just to move shit along, I say, "Well, I do speak Spanish."

PW: "Aha! I knew it! You're Argentinian!"
Me: "Well by that logic---"
PW: "You even have an Argentinian's accent!"
LBC1: (trying to save me) "What are you doing in this shit hole town if you're here all the way from America?"
PW: "Argentina."
LBC1: "... Right."
Me: "Oh, I'm just here---"
PW: "Look, I'm a teacher. I'm gonna help you speak Portuguese like a Brazilian. We don't like Argentinians."
LBC2: "I don't mind Argent---"
Me: "Ma'am, weren't you ordering a cake?"
PW: (in really bad Spanish now) "No, no, say like this: 'Maaaa'aaam'. Well? Go on. 'Maaaa'aaaam'. That how Brazilian make word."
Me: "*sigh* Where do I throw away this plate?"
PW: "'Maaaaa'aaaaam'"
LBC1: "There's a trash can right over here."
Me: "... Ma'aaam."
PW: "No, no, like this: 'Maaaaaaaaa'aaaaaaam.'"

This also goes on for quite some time. Then:

Me: "How much did that slice of cake cost?"
LBC2: "It's [price]." (I don't remember the price. My main concern was GTFO.)

So with a stomach full of little blacky black cake and a mindful of ignoring PW, I start G'ingTFO. Luckily, I saw this guy I knew so I struck up a conversation with him. Well, tried. PW followed me because, goddammit, she knew this guy too.

PW: "HEY! HEY GUY! Look at this Argentinian I met!"
Guy: "He's American."
PW: (to me) "You're American? Why didn't you say something?"
Me, LBC1, LBC2, Guy: 

PW: (In really, really bad English) "Nice you meet!"
Me: (In Portuguese) "I have to go."

And go I did. As fast as fucking possible.


  1. You made me lol.

    1. I'm glad! You have my and the ghosts' thanks.

  2. wow is that really a true story???? insane!!

    1. Yup, 100% true story. A lot of these Brazil stories are gonna sound made up because of how ridiculous they are, but they are all authentic and factual.