June 17, 2012

The Drunken Donuts Guy

Gotta thank my friend Merry for the title. It's the perfect one for this story. 

Last year, around Christmas, my whole family gathered at my sister's house in Chicago. One day, my other sister and I got bored and she decided she wanted lentil soup at this one Arabic restaurant nearby NOW. And I was like OKAY LET'S GO.

We speak to each other via shouts in the loving way only family can.
So we hopped in the car and went. The place was not too busy but there were more people there than I thought there would be. Enough, anyway, to make the next event even more traumatizing.

There we are, sitting, eating our soup, and shit talking everyone else in the restaurant when all of a sudden my sister chokes on her soup and looks at me more terrified than a baby seal staring an orca in the face.

"What? What the fuck's wrong with you?", I said, abrasively.

"Noor. Oh my God", was her only reply.


"Oh my God."


"Noor. Wow."

"Tell me!"

"Holy shit. Wow. Oh my God."

"Will you please just fucking tell me what's going on? Should I stop eating my soup?"

"Did you see that man?!"She asked suddenly.

"No, what man? I was too busy wondering what you were freaking out about."

"His dick was hanging out of his pants!"


"UHH YEAH! And he just went into the bathroom. You're gonna see him when he comes out. Tell me if it's still out."

"What?! No! You're sick."

"Oh my God here he comes" she said after whipping around to stare down the bathroom door.

Sure enough, this really tall, really wide, really old man comes walking out of the bathroom, clutching his pants up with both hands, dick a-swinging around all disgustingly and profanely. I, too, choked on my soup and nearly threw up.

"That's fucking sick" I finally managed to say.

My sister wasn't paying attention. The man was passing by our table and she was looking at him really pissed-like. She's really vocal and confident so she yells out "Sir do you know your dick is hanging out?"

Censored for your protection.
He apparently didn't hear her as he just waltzed out of the restaurant. Everyone else in the place looked mortified, and obviously it was all the buzz as far as conversations went. My sister and I lost our appetites and went to the car.

"I want a donut", she said, out of nowhere.

"What? Really? After that, you want a donut?" I replied.

"Yes. Dunkin' Donuts is right there. Let's go."

I looked over at it and noticed that the creepy man was walking into the Dunkin' Donuts next door to spread his drugged debauchery about over there. 

"You only wanna go there to accost that dude" I said.





She never ate her donut, by the way. Which was fine because I did.
So we went. The poor little Indian lady behind the counter looked so terrified. He was just standing there in front of her, dick out, trying to order a coffee, but he was so drunk that he didn't even know what he was talking about. She was just shaking her head and telling him she wanted him to leave. We got two donuts and waited.

Looking back, I don't think the cashier's hair looked like that.
 The following conversation occurred verbatim, I kid you not.

"Sir, do you know your dick is hanging out?" My sister said the moment we got our donuts.

This time he heard her. He turned around and said, "So what? Are you gonna send me to prison?"

"No, sir, but I will call the cops. You're fucking disgusting."

"No, YOU'RE fucking disgusting. I just wanna drink my coffee and put sugar in it okay?!"

"Well you can certainly stir your coffee with your disgusting tiny ass dick. Pull your pants up."

"NO. Are you gonna buy me a belt?"

"Sir, there are children around and you're sick."

"What are you, a school teacher?", he drunkenly blubbered.

At this, I piped up and said "Well, actually..."

"Shut up Noor," my sister said. "Sir, the cops are here, look." They were. Someone from the Arabic place must have called them and they wanted to arrest that dude. We took our donuts and left, mostly at my urging. Well, completely at my urging.

On the way out we passed a cop and my sister said "You need to arrest him" in stride. The cop nodded and said "Did he hurt you?". My sister replied "Only my eyes". 

When we got in the car, my sister made me drive around so she could get a picture of the cops arresting him. She did, kinda, but I just wanted to leave. She proceeded to tell everyone back home the story in full detail, which was gross, but also unforgettable. 

See? In the blue jacket? That's a pervert, kids.
 So... yeah. That's the Drunken Donuts Guy.


  1. To spot a perv,oh the horror! Gross. Sorry it happened to you guys. But the story is so hilarious! You're a good and funny storyteller, Noor.

    1. Thanks Harini! It was certainly very gross.

  2. I like how your sister was pretty much like, "Hey, when this stranger comes out of the bathroom, you need to look at his penis." At least he wasn't ordering a donut...

    1. Yeah... she's one of a kind lol.