The Thing I Said That Got Me Fired That One Time (the Second Time)

I've worked many jobs in my time. Dominant among them was serving. And I didn't serve at just one place, no. I served at like five different restaurants, working at each for no more than 5-6 months. Why? Because serving fucking sucks and no matter how many times you think "Oh this place will be better" it never is. I attribute my (initial) hatred of (most) people to my time(s) as a server. Teaching didn't help that. But I digress.

My first such abomination of a job was at a bakery/cafe/restaurant (a bacarestaurant?). The owner only had one or two of us serving at a time. The thing about this place was that not only were there tables to seat, take orders at, bus, and bring orders to, but also people in and out constantly getting coffee and delicious pastries. And the place was slammed all day because it was in the busiest part of Yuppiesville and also had a live pianist (he was such a cool dude). If you couldn't guess, it was FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE FOR ONE PERSON TO DO ALL THAT SHIT. MAN.

And the manager would just sit there and critique you with his small beady little eyes, arms crossed. His name was Mr. Boss Man *****. Everything had to be done exactly to his stupid beady little expectations. Wait... can expectations be beady? Whatever.

Anyway, my biggest problems there were a) I was late, like, everyday, which is sad because I lived across the street (see "The Checklist of Time Wasting"), and b) I could not stop eating those stupid fucking delicious pastries for the life of me. Shit like eclairs, cookies, macaroons, croissants, you name it, it was there. How could one resist? So my cheeks were always puffed out chipmunk style, crumbs all over, and my boss did not like that.

They were too delicious.

After about three weeks I got fired. The first time. Yup, that's right. I got fired twice at that job. But, the day after Mr. Boss Man ***** fired me, he called me back and was like "You need to come back to work" for whatever reason. And I was like, "OKAY! :D" for whatever other reason. Mistake.

Sooo there I was back at work, being generally awful at serving and getting a healthy mix of complaints and horrible tips left and right. I dropped so many trays and plates (in my defense, it was my first time serving) that Mr. Boss Man ***** had to have a talk with me. He called me down to his basement office, which was creepy (duh), and told me that if I dropped another anything, I'd be fired again. So most of the time, my days went by with me struggling to keep shit off the floor and out of my mouth. Which was really really really hard.

Pictured: Trying to give a shit, but failing.

But one can only eat so many delicious pastries and get so many bad tips before one decides that enough is enough. Eventually, I stopped giving a shit, thinking to myself, "He wouldn't fire me again. He hired me back!" Ha. Mistake.

I started getting quite the 'tude. I talked shit about Mr. Boss Man ***** all the time and was super lazy about waiting my tables and was an all around bad employee. But what do you expect from a 19 year old college student who had way better things to do with his time and hated his job, delicious pastries or no?

Then... Then one day I was very late. An hour and thirty-seven minutes very late. On purpose. That was how little of a shit I gave.

Of course, Mr. Boss Man ***** was livid. Because, duh, I was the only one scheduled that day. Mistake (on his part).

He confronted me and was all like "NOOR Y U NO BE ON TIME". I stared at him straight in the face, and with all seriousness said "Well Mr. Boss Man *****, as much as I would like to turn back time and not be late, I can't because my time machine is broken. Deal with it." Mis. Take.

"I think it's the flux capacitor."

Mr. Boss Man ***** was not pleased, nor did he find my joke funny. I certainly did, and was lolling to myself, doing my worst to hide it. And then I got fired. Again. I walked out of that place, kicked my heels together, and never looked back.

But goddamn do I miss those delicious pastries.

The Trials of Getting a Job

So you want to get a job? Good for you. Here:

 

 That's for you. Proud of you! :)

...

Now, onto serious business. You want to get a job? Well tough shit. Getting a job is hard. Getting a job  s u c k s. Getting a job is nigh impossible. 

"Oh N, why are you so pessimistic?" You may ask, out of desperation, probably because you really want a job.

Listen boys and girls. I've been out of college for a whole year and then some. I've had one job, and it was an internship overseas. I got paid in beans and rocks. And then five months ago, I came back here to the good ol' land of purple mountains majesty, exchanged the piddly remains of my beans and rocks for leaves and drool, and have been unemployed ever since.

"But did you look for jobs?" You exhort. Yes, yes I did. 

"But did you apply to jobs?" You beseech. Yes, most certainly I did. 

"But is your resume good?" You besmirch. Verily, it is. And you don't have to be so rude.

"But---" Yes. 

"And did you---" Yes. 

"And how about---" Of course. 

"BUT! I bet you didn't---" Oh, but I did. 

"Hmm... I know! You probably didn't---" Nope, I definitely did that too. On careerbuilder.com and everything. 

"Well damn." I KNOW!!!

At this point, I feel like this: 

I've had so many calls, so few interviews, and no second interviews (or job), that I feel trapped. Trapped, specifically because a lot of the jobs I want, I can't get. 

It's either, you must be 25 or older (I'm 22) or you must have 5+ years experience doing ________ (I have little to no experience doing most ______'s). 

So then you dig into entry level positions. And what are those like? Well...

And I don't really want to do something like that. I know that beggars can't be choosers, but seriously, look at this gem I found today:

"[Car Dealership] is looking for an ambitious, detail oriented multi-tasker to join our team as a part time cashier/receptionist... In this position you will process all payment transactions for customers in our busy dealership." 

Hey, Car Dealership, guess what? I've done something extremely similar to that before. It looked like this:

So anyway. How the hell do you get 5+ years experience before you're 25 in order to get one of the cool jobs out there? That's not rhetorical. Please tell me. 

Also, I have to share that I went to a group interview today, and was the youngest person there by 10 years, which was unnerving. Out of the four of us, there was one guy who was easily in his 50s, and of course he outshone us all. I wanted to tell him "Dude. Some of us actually need a job, so, uh, can you please go back to that place where you said you've been working at for 25 years?" Between him and this one girl, Stutterella, who was erupting sunshine from every orifice, I stood no chance.

I'm sorry. I thought I went to college and paid good money for a piece of paper that had at least some return on its value, but... well... I guess reality hits you hard, bro. 

Anyway. Back to the internet for me. And you. Or not. I think you should go make a sandwich.

Happy sandwiches. 

Marshall knows.