April 25, 2012

The List of Irrational Fears

I have prepared a list of my irrational fears, most of which are made up. Why have I made this list? Because just read it okay?!
1. That a popped balloon will send a stray piece of elastic to blind me. DELIBERATELY.

2. That the number 4 will murder me someday. (I blame Asians for this.)

3. That if I rub my eyes after petting an animal I will get rabies and die. (Only the eyes though.)

4. On the note of touching, that when people touch me I will contract their personality flaws. Like Rogue, but the opposite.

5. That if a cell phone is directly touching food or cigarettes or gum or other ingestible objects, the radiation will permeate them and cause multiple tumors of myriad shapes and sizes.

6. That all of my texts are read by the receiving party in a very aggressive tone. (I never mean to be aggressive.)

7. That mixing two different brands of gas in a car's tank will cause a violent explosion. (It doesn't.)

8. Blood and guts. Especially my own. Shudder. (But only real-time blood and guts, not like movies and video games and shit.)

9. On that note, the drawn-out description of physical trauma, surgery, or terminal illness. Pass. Out.

10. That if you DON'T knock on wood, terrible, horrible things will happen to you. Like an elephant will fall on your FACE. :-O (See Fig. 1)

Figure 1
 That's all.

Happy trails. Wait... that's a horrible thing to say as a sign off. Happy... voyages. Bon voyage?


I'm just gonna go with bye.


  1. The number 4 is my favorite number. And also my phone is sitting on top of my cigarettes right now. I'm going to die.

    1. Holy shit be careful. You're flirting with danger.