March 31, 2012

The Best Excuse

Something I said by accident has suddenly become the best excuse in the world. You wouldn't think it when you hear it, but you'd be surprised at just how effective this king of excuses is. And it's delightfully applicable in almost any situation. Hell, the situation doesn't even need to apply to the excuse. Somehow, it still works.

So what is it?

"Excuse me, it's just so dark in here."

Take a minute. Digest. Let it sink in. Absorb the nutrients. Yeah... just like that. Mmhmm... so... juicy. What's that? A hint of... is that... aloofness? And those nicks of nonchalance! A delicacy!

Yes friends. Blaming things on the fact that you can't see shit is surprisingly potent.

Examples, because I love examples:

-When you fail to compliment your girlfriend/boyfriend's new haircut/clothes/other inane and trivial object that said neglect of noticing can net you negative points on the "I don't want to break up with you" scale:

"Did you notice my new (thing)?"
"Huh? No, babe, I'm sorry... It's just so dark in here. I can't see shit."

-When your boss catches you on Facebook/9GAG/Redtube:

"Jenkins, what are you looking at?"
"Huh? Oh, this? Whaaaaaat I didn't even notice what page I was on! It's just so dark in here."

-When you call someone by the wrong name:

"Oh? You're Cheryl? I'm sorry. It's so dark in here."

-When you don't feel like being the bait when someone is fishing for compliments:

"Sigh. My hair is so ugly. Everyone can notice how one square centimeter of it is not laying in the same direction as the rest of my hair. I'm hideous. Don't look at me. Aren't I SO HIDEOUS?"
"What? Oh, sorry. I didn't even know you were talking to me. It's so dark in here. Does this place even have lights?"

-When you just don't give a shit:

"Hey you wanna come over and do stuff?"
"No, sorry, not today. It's so dark. I can't see anything. It's debilitating."

I'll leave you to decide how to use this excuse most effectively. Keep in mind, not everyone will use it the same way. That's the beauty of it. It's incredibly versatile.

Plus, the look on people's faces... priceless. It's disarming. They don't even know what just hit them. I mean, what could you possibly say in return? How do you know what the other person can or cannot see?

"Maybe it really is dark in here," they think. "Maybe I can SEE in the dark!"

Happy whining.


  1. " I can't believe you spent that much on shoes!"

    "What?? How much? I didn't even notice, it's so dark in here..."


  2. Haha let's just hope Spas falls for it! For your sake.

  3. "Ah, man, I shot Marvin in the face."
    "What the fuck'd you do that for?!"
    "I dunno, man, it's just so dark in here!"

    1. This is the perfect example hahahaha

  4. I could seriously read your thoughts all day and night if only it was not so dark in here...