The Strangest Search Keywords

Friends - I thank you for reading my blog. Or at least letting the page load.

I don't know how you all usually get here, but some people have most certainly been led here by mistake. At least three, anyway.

Sorry I'm not sorry.

You see, like any (most?) blog owner(s?), I like to look at my site's stats to see where the traffic is coming from, especially what search keywords people use to get here. It gives me a good idea of how to get more readers. Also I'm nosy. One day, last month, I was doing that exact thing, and saw... this.

This is why I hate humanity.

Now, first of all, none of the above have anything to do with my blog, except the one that is actually my blog's title. Thank you, 1 person. And I kind of understand some of the other ones since I've used pictures or captions that say that exact thing, like "I wish a motherfucker would" and "TGIF motherfuckers", which are actually both from "The 5 Levels of Being Pissed".

But, "not my period again"? And "pic of man with donuts on his cock"? WAT.

The "W" stands for "where".

It's my fault for posting the Drunken Donuts Guy story, as I know that that's the reason this person got routed to my blog. But honestly, who wants to see that? What kind of maligned and atrocious fetish is cock donuts?

And as for the not one, but two ladies (I hope ladies anyway) in dismay about their periods, I don't even know what to say. Get used to it, I guess?

But I'm not complaining. To me, it's just more readers. Well, hopefully. I mean, it makes me feel good inside to think that some confused girls were hoping for period advice and found my blog and ended up having a great day afterwards because of the lols. Lols are good for the soul, you know. And maybe, just maybe, that cock donut fetishist read the Drunken Donuts Guy story and got so incredibly disgusted (as I hope one would) that their fetish disappeared forever. Which makes me feel saintly.

"I sit and wait... does an angeeeel contemplate my faaaaate?"

 Anyway, that's the idealist in me. Most likely, all of those people loaded the page, saw that there was no period advice nor pictures of men with donuts on their cocks and promptly closed the tab to begin their search anew.

*Record scratch*

Well anyway, have a great day folks. And, you know, watch of for periods and strange fetishists. 

The Checklist of Time Wasting

Those of you who know me know that I am late to just about everything in life. Except being born. I was almost a month premature. What a disappointment it must have been when my parents realized I'm neither early nor punctual to anything. 

I used to think that I couldn't explain why this happened. And I want to make a distinction: I'm constantly late, not consistently late. Being consistently late is what people call "fashionably late". That's not what I do.

Sometimes I would claim that Arabs are late like all other minorities. Or, I would say that outside forces physically prevented me from being on time. That it wasn't meant to be. And then one day, not too long ago, when you were about the same age you are right now, I realized something. Deep down, I like being late. Ladies, if I were your period, I would scare the shit out of you. Every month. Gentlemen, if I were your girlfriend's period... well, you get the point.

 

And don't try to pull logic out on me here. Again, I'm not consistent with my lateness. I'm whatever the fuck I feel like it at that moment amount of time late. Could be a minute, could be an hour. Could be tomorrow.

So I thought I might as well embrace it and turn it into something beautiful. Er... being late. Not your period. Or your girlfriend's period. 

And now it's an art. The art of wasting time. And like all art, it has guidelines. So, here I have compiled a checklist that will ensure that you are late... artfully.

These things all assume that you should be leaving the house now in order to be at [place/engagement/appointment] on time or early. Use with caution. 

[ ] Shower.

[ ] Brush your teeth. 

[ ] Floss, too. It never hurts to floss. 

[ ] Change your outfit.

[ ] Change back to what you were wearing before.  

[ ] Your hair probably looks bad now. Fix it. Or shave it all off. Change is good.

[ ] Check the time and shrug.

[ ] Check the internet.

[ ] Start making paper cranes. Or learn. 

[ ] It would probably be a good idea to write out a grocery list. Do that.

[ ] Check your email and/or snail mail.

[ ] Check the time and scoff. 

[ ] Have you taken a dump today? You should do that.

[ ] If you have a significant other, have sex. If you don't, masturbate. 

[ ] You should probably shower again now.

[ ] Brush your teeth, too. 

[ ] ... Maybe wear something different for real this time. 

[ ] Leave.

[ ] Now's a good time to stop at the gas station.

[ ] Check the time and go "OH SHIT. Oh well."

That's really all I've got. I need to go be late for something now. With finesse, of course.