The Yellowjacket, the Horsefly, and the Surprise

I'm blogging on the run today, so none of my drawings will be making an appearance. Instead, I will supplant this post with real pictures of real things.

Err... On the run as in not at home. Not like running from the law. I'm not doing that. I'm just not at home. Right now. Today. ... I'm making everything worse.

Let's start over.

I'm not blogging from home today, so none of my drawings will be making an appearance, etc.

Okay, so, lately strange things keep flying into my car while I'm driving on the highway. This has happened to me twice THRICE in the past two weeks. <- That previous emotionally charged statement is due to the fact that when I started drafting this post, only two things had flown into my car, but as I was driving to where I am now, a THIRD thing flew into my car. It's a ridiculously apocalyptic time for me, my friends.

I'm gonna make a list.

1. The Yellowjacket

For those of you who don't live on the hellish landscape that is the American Midwest, this is the embodiment of horror commonly known as a yellowjacket:

"I'mma sting yo' face and plant eggs in yo' nose" [via]

Now, yellowjackets are not all that harmful, after you put aside the fact that they're predatory wasps and thus can sting you like 8,000 times or until they get bored. Whichever comes first. I, myself, have never been stung by anything, so I have no idea whether or not I'm allergic to bee and wasp stings.

So you can imagine my terror when, as I'm driving down the highway, I look down and notice that there is a tiny little yellowjacket ass abdomen poking out of a fold in my shirt. I was like O.O

There was nowhere to stop on the road, and I didn't know what to do, so I basically held my breath for the next ten minutes until I was able to pull over into a gas station. I needed gas anyway, so two birds and all that. So I unbuckled my seatbelt very, very slowly. It twitched. I twitched. But I had to keep calm, lest I suffer the wrath of 8,000 stings. I opened the door, gingerly, and stepped out all squatted and bow-legged so as to not disrupt the creature's resting state, and then extremely quickly flicked my shirt out and ran back, preparing myself for battle.

Except nothing bad happened. I looked, and there the thing was, writhing on the ground, just dying. I had no idea how or why this happened, and proceeded to assume that it just wanted to die next to a living thing instead of alone. At that point, I felt kinda sorry for it.

"Just... just cuddle with me... while I... die..." [via]

Then...

2. The Horsefly

Re: Hellish landscape that is the American Midwest, and enter:

And on the eighth day, God was like "You know what, fuck humans".  [via]

The picture doesn't do it justice, but those bitches are HUGE. The one that flew into my car, again, while I was driving on the highway, was at least two inches long. And also they bite. As per Wikipedia: "Most short tongued species of horse flies use their knife-like mandibles to rip and/or slice flesh apart". Awesome, right? Moreover, they carry a metric fuckton of diseases.

So yes, that guy flies into my car and I'm like "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT" because unlike the yellowjacket, it wasn't trapped in my shirt, but rather it just flew in on a stray breeze through the window and proceeded to taunt me from the dash, doing that weird-ass hand washing gesture that flies do. So, again, I had to find somewhere to pull over, but the problem was that, at any moment, dude could've decided to fly into my face and bite the shit out of me. Which I was very afraid of. I've been bitten by one of those before, when I was a wee tyke, and it ain't fun.

I did manage to pull over, but even though I got out of the car, Mr. Horsefly did not. This required strategy. I knocked on the windshield from the outside, and it just flew over to the other side of the car. So I knocked on that side. Same thing. So I opened ALL THE DOORS and continued with my knocking strategy until the thing flew out and away and presumably into someone else's car to ruin their day.

Seriously God, why WHY?! [via]

THEN TODAY...

3. The MOTHERFUCKING ROBIN

This is Batman's homoerotic sidekick, Robin:

"Put on pants? But... why?" [via]

Just to clear the confusion, that is not the kind of robin that flew into my car. But if he would've, I would've bought him some motherfucking pants because Goddammit Robin, men wear pants.

This, however, is what flew into my car:

Herald of Spring or Harbinger of Doom? You decide. [via]

Now, I was already shaken enough by the two stupid bugs that flew into my car while I was driving on the highway. But then today, this? I'm CONVINCED that I'm gonna die soon or something. Why does this keep happening to me?

There I am, driving, rocking out, getting strange looks from the people around me, but fuck them, don't they sing in their cars? Now this time, I was not on the highway, rather, I was just in town. Then one of the above pictured birds flies into my car, slams into my windshield with a highly audible thunk, falls over on the dash, and then flutters meekly out the other window and continues on with its day, disoriented and all. Meanwhile, my heart is pounding and the people around me who were already not flattered by my one-man-band-car-show are laughing hysterically. I sent them birds of my own.

So now I'm sitting here wondering what will fly into my car next. I mean, the things have only been getting bigger. How's it go? A bird, a plane, no Superman? Well anyway, all I see are various nightmarish scenarios for my future, my friends. Pray for me. I need it.

The BS 4 - "My Water Got Shut Off"

Wow I almost ran out of time. But here it is, as promised, before it was no longer today.

I am here today to tell you a really ridiculous story. Hopefully, you guessed it was unrealistically ridiculous when you saw it was a BS story. But if you read this one and think it's the worst luck a person could have, wait until I tell you the one about the parade.

So, for those of you who have been paying attention, the apartment I lived in when I was in Brazil was owned and paid for by my boss. That included the utilities, which was a pretty sweet deal.

But, two things:

A) Rain happens.

And.

B) When it shits, it pours. ... Wait. I got that wrong. Whatever.

Anyway, one Thursday night as I was mulling about, minding my own business, I heard the distinct gurgling sound of water leaving all the sinks. I've had my water shut off before back in the U.S. so I knew that sound well. But sitting there in the apartment, I thought "There's no way. Why would that happen? I don't even take care of the bill, and I know they paid it... right?"

So I did what any normal person would do and turned on one of the faucets.

Drop drop drop drop drip... drip... spurt... cough... hack... paaahhhhhh. 

"Whatever, it'll be back in the morning" I thought.

It wasn't.

"Whatever, it'll be back after work" I decided.

It wasn't.

I tried the faucets again and similar onomatopoeias as the last three times I tried happened.

"No more water" I realized. I felt like... well... this:

Only with much less water.

 The first logical conclusion I came to was that my boss hated me and was out to ruin my life because I was just some stupid American.

That wasn't the case, but whatever.

Do you know the things you can't do when your water is shut off? Here are the top three:

1) Use the toilet. Well, you can, but... you know. With no water, all of your exquisite excrement just sits there and ferments. And by exquisite I mean gag-inducing.

2) Wash dishes. Or anything. So if you cook, your pots and pans are out of commission. Which sucks a lot when you only have one pot and one pan.

3) Shower. Yeah. Did I mention I was in Brazil where it's 80 degrees on a cold day?

Gross. Or, to be PC, natural.

Here are the solutions I came up with to these problems:

1) Try really hard to limit bathroom usage. Be near public restrooms as often as possible.

2) Petition the neighbors for help and hope that they're cool and kindhearted people. (In my case, my across the hall neighbor was a doctor's office that was only open from like 10:00am to 3:00pm two days a week.)

3) Go to work super early and wash your hair and face in the sink. Forget the rest of your body. It's clean, sort of. Apply copious amounts of deodorant. Also known as sink showering.

This is sink showering. Sink showering is basically dumping your head into the sink and getting the place soaked.

Sadly, back in Buttfucknowhere, Brazil, everything was closed from Friday at 5:00pm until Monday morning. And by everything I mean everything, for real. Except the church, which is a story all on its own. And since I didn't realize completely that my water was for sure turned off until Friday after 5:00pm (because I'm optimistic, dammit), I was fucked for at least the weekend. Thankfully, though, the apartments on the other floors of the building were not doctor's offices and the people were... alright.

So Monday, I go to my boss and explain the situation. She's like "Whaaaaaaaaat I pay your bill every month there's no reason your water should be off" and I was all like "Well obviously you're missing some neurons because my water IS OFF." Except I didn't say that.

We went to the water... place. Facility? I don't know. The place you go to pay the water bill if you don't mail it. The bitch there (and I only call her a bitch because she was a bitch) told us that back in February someone forgot to pay the bill.

Did I mention it was October at this time?

Yeah.

So I guess protocol in Buttfucknowhere, Brazil is to shut off the utilities eight months after the bill is late. Meaning that people with luck like mine have to suffer for someone else's mistake. Wonderful. JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL.

We paid the late bill and I asked the woman when my water would get turned back on.

She said, "Well, probably tomorrow."

I said, "Y NOT 2DAY."

She said, "Well... the guy who turns it back on only works until 5."

I said, "...It's 4."

She said, "Yeah he's probably not gonna get to it today, sorry."

I said "FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

Monday's Sun set and I was still waterless.

Tuesday then passed as I stared hopelessly at the kitchen sink.

It would not comply.

They didn't turn it on until Thursday afternoon, and I just thinking like "DUDE TOOK HIS MOTHERFUCKING TIME HUH."

And that, my friends, is plain bad luck.