The BS 4 - "My Water Got Shut Off"

Wow I almost ran out of time. But here it is, as promised, before it was no longer today.

I am here today to tell you a really ridiculous story. Hopefully, you guessed it was unrealistically ridiculous when you saw it was a BS story. But if you read this one and think it's the worst luck a person could have, wait until I tell you the one about the parade.

So, for those of you who have been paying attention, the apartment I lived in when I was in Brazil was owned and paid for by my boss. That included the utilities, which was a pretty sweet deal.

But, two things:

A) Rain happens.

And.

B) When it shits, it pours. ... Wait. I got that wrong. Whatever.

Anyway, one Thursday night as I was mulling about, minding my own business, I heard the distinct gurgling sound of water leaving all the sinks. I've had my water shut off before back in the U.S. so I knew that sound well. But sitting there in the apartment, I thought "There's no way. Why would that happen? I don't even take care of the bill, and I know they paid it... right?"

So I did what any normal person would do and turned on one of the faucets.

Drop drop drop drop drip... drip... spurt... cough... hack... paaahhhhhh. 

"Whatever, it'll be back in the morning" I thought.

It wasn't.

"Whatever, it'll be back after work" I decided.

It wasn't.

I tried the faucets again and similar onomatopoeias as the last three times I tried happened.

"No more water" I realized. I felt like... well... this:

Only with much less water.

 The first logical conclusion I came to was that my boss hated me and was out to ruin my life because I was just some stupid American.

That wasn't the case, but whatever.

Do you know the things you can't do when your water is shut off? Here are the top three:

1) Use the toilet. Well, you can, but... you know. With no water, all of your exquisite excrement just sits there and ferments. And by exquisite I mean gag-inducing.

2) Wash dishes. Or anything. So if you cook, your pots and pans are out of commission. Which sucks a lot when you only have one pot and one pan.

3) Shower. Yeah. Did I mention I was in Brazil where it's 80 degrees on a cold day?

Gross. Or, to be PC, natural.

Here are the solutions I came up with to these problems:

1) Try really hard to limit bathroom usage. Be near public restrooms as often as possible.

2) Petition the neighbors for help and hope that they're cool and kindhearted people. (In my case, my across the hall neighbor was a doctor's office that was only open from like 10:00am to 3:00pm two days a week.)

3) Go to work super early and wash your hair and face in the sink. Forget the rest of your body. It's clean, sort of. Apply copious amounts of deodorant. Also known as sink showering.

This is sink showering. Sink showering is basically dumping your head into the sink and getting the place soaked.

Sadly, back in Buttfucknowhere, Brazil, everything was closed from Friday at 5:00pm until Monday morning. And by everything I mean everything, for real. Except the church, which is a story all on its own. And since I didn't realize completely that my water was for sure turned off until Friday after 5:00pm (because I'm optimistic, dammit), I was fucked for at least the weekend. Thankfully, though, the apartments on the other floors of the building were not doctor's offices and the people were... alright.

So Monday, I go to my boss and explain the situation. She's like "Whaaaaaaaaat I pay your bill every month there's no reason your water should be off" and I was all like "Well obviously you're missing some neurons because my water IS OFF." Except I didn't say that.

We went to the water... place. Facility? I don't know. The place you go to pay the water bill if you don't mail it. The bitch there (and I only call her a bitch because she was a bitch) told us that back in February someone forgot to pay the bill.

Did I mention it was October at this time?

Yeah.

So I guess protocol in Buttfucknowhere, Brazil is to shut off the utilities eight months after the bill is late. Meaning that people with luck like mine have to suffer for someone else's mistake. Wonderful. JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL.

We paid the late bill and I asked the woman when my water would get turned back on.

She said, "Well, probably tomorrow."

I said, "Y NOT 2DAY."

She said, "Well... the guy who turns it back on only works until 5."

I said, "...It's 4."

She said, "Yeah he's probably not gonna get to it today, sorry."

I said "FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."

Monday's Sun set and I was still waterless.

Tuesday then passed as I stared hopelessly at the kitchen sink.

It would not comply.

They didn't turn it on until Thursday afternoon, and I just thinking like "DUDE TOOK HIS MOTHERFUCKING TIME HUH."

And that, my friends, is plain bad luck.